Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
