What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
