She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
