Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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