You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
