walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
