I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Holy shit dude........stairs
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
