your parents love me but you hate me
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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