i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
