ADVERTISEMENT

• (303): View more from Colorado

  I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

  Fav 17 3127 962

  share tweet
  

• (808): View more from Hawaii

  doesn't he have a GF?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  that just means you have to try harder.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...

  Fav 5 1425 794

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (601): View more from Mississippi

  I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.

  Fav 67 7066 1037

  share tweet
  

• (313): View more from Michigan

  I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  hooker boots and all?

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

  Fav 14 7551 1355

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

  Fav 13 4849 1162

  share tweet
  

• (360): View more from Washington

  Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...

  Fav 6 2737 910

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (856): View more from New Jersey

  i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

  Fav 13 1374 2925

  share tweet
  

• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.

  Fav 10 3986 1463

  share tweet
  

• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.

  Fav 2 711 1408

  share tweet
  

• (510): View more from California

  Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?

  Fav 6 1247 685

  share tweet
  

• (602): View more from Arizona

  i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr

  (480): View more from Arizona

  truly a win in your book

  Fav 2 730 460

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (253): View more from Washington

  There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.

  Fav 0 580 401

  share tweet
  

• (217): View more from Illinois

  I think I ejaculated my soul out.

  Fav 0 387 156

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there

  Fav 1 199 111

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (817): View more from Texas

  Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments

  Fav 0 27 8

  share tweet
  

Randomize