best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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