I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
