i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
