what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
