A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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