Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
