sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
