I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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