Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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