Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
