Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
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