I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i would punch a child for taco bell
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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