i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
