well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
