Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
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Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
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I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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