Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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