So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
