Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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