As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
