Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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