We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
