Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
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he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.