He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
