Don't make out with my wife yet
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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