Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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