Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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