In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
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I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
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What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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