I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
