I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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