Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
