I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
