Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
