do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
