I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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