Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
