I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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