I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
