this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."