I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake