I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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