At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
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I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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