three words: i give head
three words: not that well
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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