Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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