there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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