Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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