If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
