i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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