Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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