They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
