i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
