We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
