Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
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Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
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My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
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