My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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