You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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